Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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