He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
