you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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