He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
