when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
