wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
