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What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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