There is no way he is gay with that hair.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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