I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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