She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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