I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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