She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
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You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
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Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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