just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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