a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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