I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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