you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Never joke about your clitoris.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
