I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
