that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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