I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
