operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
