what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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