I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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