You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
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Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
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Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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