she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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