I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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