My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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