I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
