Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
