We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
