I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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