also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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