oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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