Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He kissed a someone with a penis
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
