I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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