I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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