Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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