my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
