Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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