I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
