I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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