The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
