She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
