there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
