When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
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