I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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