That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
