Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
