Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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