at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
