dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
