I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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