I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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