I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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