rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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