What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
