I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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