I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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