god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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