Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
